I have spent so much time going back and forth on the subject of when, where, and how to share something so personal and what the appropriate level of “put yourself (and as a result the people who are the closest and most important to you) OUT THERE” was.
Then I thought as we faced challenges and struggles that so many others have walked through, been torn down by, risen up from, or crumbled into abyss by… I wished that I had been able to find an example of Regular Folks mindfulness.
I’ve shared the love story of Mr. B and I several times. Our intensity and adoration for our other half has been, at my hand, on display for our whole lives. Ours was a coming of age story, meeting, friendship, love, commitment, joining our lives and becoming adults together. We married in January of 2002, confident in what the future had in store for us and accepting of the fact that we were the hands that would shape, mold and lead what was to come.
Mr. B and I, well we have really been my idea of wonderful. I think that we both knew just how blessed we were. We recommitted our love to each other and to God by being sealed in the Los Angeles Temple in 2010. I’ve spent over half of my life in love with this very good man.
There were several life changing events that occurred for us in the past few years that led me to struggle with anxiety and depression. The struggle of trying to maintain who I was with the inner battle that I was facing led me to a point of breaking. I dropped my basket and spent months banishing myself to an island, one of unaccountability, destructiveness, and sorrow. Knowing that my battle was inward, I fought to keep up appearances. Those closest to me, vied to help me come to my senses, still unaware of the exhausting and relentless fight in my mind.
People think that depression is just sadness and fail to realize that it is so many more emotions than that. Helplessness, self loathing, isolation, anxiety, fear… it’s been described as feeling like you’re drowning but you can see everyone around you breathing. It alters who you are as a person.
When I finally gathered the courage to recognize the destruction that my anxiety was causing and sought treatment, so much had been lost including patience, will, tolerance… Challenges are great and we have always faced them together and through these trials we found ourselves straining to meet at that halfway point, often coming so close and yet barely off with our reach.
Just because something doesn’t last forever, does not mean that it wasn’t worth it.
If there was ever anything in our life that we did right, it was choosing to be together. Making a choice to love someone despite their flaws, despite their shortcomings, despite their struggles, it’s a humbling experience. Our love doesn’t end here. Not only did we choose to become a husband and a wife, we grew into adulthood, we established roots and decided the type of people we would become. We created beautiful lives, nurtured and cared for small bodies and souls. They are our greatest accomplishment and a beautiful testament to our intense love and adoration for each other.
A journey may not always lead us exactly to the place that we intended; obviously this wasn’t somewhere we thought we would be, could ever be. When we stood across from each other, 13 years and 8 months before we said that we needed to find a new way to be good to one another, in Blue Chucks and shaky voices we said these words:
"I, take you, to be my very best friend. I promise to support you in everything you do, to stand by you in good times and in bad. To believe in you, to trust in you and to honor you. I promise to love you until the end of time."
AS we navigate our way to a new normal, we are thankful every second for having loved and lived as partners. I think that, all challenges aside, we will find a way to uphold these vows, to be good to one another and to continue to raise, guide and love the lives that we created together.
The things worth being a part of never come easy and sometimes, good things come to an end. It’s good to know that with true Love Stories, there are no endings. So we move forward as partners in parenting, supporters of dreams and wishers of the others peace.
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